World Toe Wrestling Championships

August 2024 - Staffordshire. A fine county if ever there was one. Creators of industrial pottery manufacturing, manufacturers of big diggers painted yellow, oatcakes, of course, and… toe-wrestling.

1974. The miners are on strike, Liverpool win the FA Cup, Abba walk Eurovision, and four individuals were in need of ale and a bit time to put the world to rights and so they headed to Ye Olde Royal Oak Inn in Wetton, a quaint little village, nestled in the southernmost parts of the Peak District National Park. Little did they know that a few beers later they were to create a World Championships in an art-form not yet known to man and one that would still be challenged for fifty years later. A sport that the English would reign supreme at - until one of the first Champions came from Canada apparently, which messed that part up a bit - and a new noble art form for the world to embrace.

The World Toe-Wrestling Championships had been born.

There would be two competitions, one for the men and one for the women. Lots would be drawn, and two players would sit down at a ‘toedium’ ready to lock their big toes together for the best of three rounds, the first with the right toe, the next with the left and finally - if needed, back to the right. The winner progresses to the next round, and hopefully to the final. Win that, and these days you’ll receive the toe-phy in the form of a bronze foot, £500 in prize money and, of course, the title of World Champion.

There would be rules. First, your feet will need to be washed and inspected to make sure that bunions, calluses, fungal infections, and any other nasty diseases are not prevalent. When you’re called, you’ll enter the playing area, on the back of a tractor, where you’ll sit at said Toedium and lock your big toe with your opponent. Your bum and both hands will remain on the floor (raised buttocks give an unfair advantage apparently, who knew ?), your toe-playing heel will be firmly on the deck, the toe-playing leg bent at the knee, not straight and your non-toe playing leg raised in the air. Your objective is to force your opponent’s toe / foot onto the opposite wall. The referee will ensure that the toes are correctly engaged and once satisfied, the cry will go up, ‘3, 2, 1, Toes Away’.

2024 sees sixteen men up for the chance to take the title off reigning champion for the last two years, Ben ‘Toe-tal Destruction’ Woodroffe. Eight ladies will compete aiming to knock six-time world champion Lisa ‘Twinkletoes’ Shenton from her lofty position.

The market square is already crowded as the clock heads towards midday and the first of the ladies’ heats. Gone are the days when the entrants only came from Staffordshire and Derbyshire. Today sees contenders from as far-flung places such as County Durham, Middlesbrough and even ‘southern softies’ from Watford and Sussex who fancy their chances to reign supreme. The first contestants are in place and for the first time today we hear the cry that goes up at the start of each match “It’s toe fighting time” together with the immortal phrase that starts every match “3-2-1 Toes Away”.

It doesn’t take long for the ladies to get whittled down to the two finalists. The current title holder, from Ashbourne, Lisa ‘Twinkletoes’ will wrestle it out against Lucy ‘The Bunion Buster’ from Sussex - so the southerners are not so soft after all, it would appear.

It’s a tough contest with neither player giving sway with Twinkletoes admitting that The Bunion Buster was one of the toughest competitors she’s faced in a long time. Both ladies are tied at one all, but the toes keep breaking apart and the word on the streets are suggesting that the pressure has caused the toes to sweat and become too slippery to grip each other. A good number of attempts are made before the cry goes up ‘strap the toes, strap the toes’ which by all accounts is a fairly recent development aimed at stopping matches taking hours to be decided. The webbing is sent for and shown to all the crowd by the referee to a rapturous cheer before the cry goes up again. ‘Strap the toes !’ With said strapping duly applied the ladies try again, and again, but to no avail.

It’s then that an executive decision is taken to suspend play whilst everyone has a chance to stock up on alcohol and fish and chips. A wise decision.

As the hour approaches three bells it’s time for the men to step up to the Toedium and the first of eight heats in the around of Sixteen and first up is Men’s seventeen-time champion, Alan ‘Nasty’ Nash who swiftly dispenses with the upstart challenger 2-0.

Heat three sees ‘The Yorkshire Beast who’s brought considerable support with him, take on The Hammer from County Durham and it doesn’t take long for there to be a bit of controversy as buttocks were raised off the floor and on occasions knees not bent, all of which is strictly against the rules. The crowd were incensed and calling for yellow cards to be issued – they aren’t because they don’t have any. Rumblings in the crowd also suggest that the referee, who is quite new and a little inexperienced perhaps, especially when it comes to observing all the rules.

Heat four sees the current champion, Ben ‘Toe-tal Destruction’ Woodroffe wipe the floor 2-0 with Dr. Scholl. This man takes no prisoners, and such is his dedication to the sport he’s had his toe nails surgically removed ‘to aid dexterity and toe stamina’ - for most this would be a step to far, but Ben is a man on a mission. The surgical removal of toe nails isn’t against the rules however, I checked. It’s only ‘the use of oils, creams or any other substance that could give an unfair advantage is strictly prohibited’.

By now it’s mid-afternoon and the sun is still shining bright, the beer is flowing freely, and the fish and chip shop is doing an absolutely roaring trade. Is there a finer way to spend a Saturday, I ask myself.

And so, we get to the Men’s Semi Finals. First up is The Hammer Heron vs Alan ‘Nasty’ Nash who spends no time with pleasantries. He gets straight on with the job and walks it 2-0.

The second Semi Finals sees Will from South Wales, resplendent in a Cardiff City away shirt from the era when hideous shirt designs were en vogue, go up against the Men’s reigning champion Ben ‘Toe-tal Destruction’ who takes a leaf out of Nasty Nash’s book and romps home 2-0.

This means that it’s all set up for the final that everyone has been waiting for… the Men’s Reigning Champion vs. the Seventeen-time World Champion.

First however, we have the ladies final to resolve, so Twinkletoes and The Bunion Buster retake the stage so that battle can commence. Twinkletoes has changed from the green t-shirt that she’s worn throughout the heats into an Stoke City away shirt with ‘Twinkletoes’ and the number ‘5’ on the back - which, if it's in recognition of the number of titles she's won, is a little out of date, as she's won six - no doubt an intimidating sight for the newcomer, either way.

Again, it’s tough. You can see the strain on champion Lisa’s face as the Sussex challenger who’s never toe wrestled before in her life puts body, soul and foot into it. Veins are showing like never before and the strength of the girls is incredible, before we know it though, Twinkletoes takes a deserved lead, 1-0.

The Bunion Buster isn’t going to outdone though and before long she equalises, much to the disdain of her opponent, who at one point cries foul as there was a ‘heel lift’ perhaps ? ? The referee disagrees so it’s all square at 1-1.

Pressure shows her face again as both players give everything, looking for the decider which will give them the title. Sweat also rears its head and after three attempts each ending with a toe break (not a literal one, although this has happened in the past and you’re advised of this when you enter, oh and blisters and sore knees are to be expected – deal with it), these ones are merely the toes coming away from each other during play, it’s decided that the toes must be strapped once more, only this time the webbing is discarded and they send for the gaffer tape and take the decision to strap the feet too. This final will be decided one way or the other.

With the bindings duly applied, the final battle commences. This is it. Do or die. Failure or glory awaits one of our gallant contenders. The cry goes up, ‘3, 2, 1, Toes Away’ and faces are contorted for one last push. The girls give everything one last time, but experience won the day as Twinkletoes scored the final ‘tow-down’ after a bruising battle to take her seventh title. Amazing !

With the Ladies Champion decided, it’s time to take a breath, quaff another beer and prepare for the big ‘un. Ben ‘Toe-tal Destruction’ Woodroffe vs. Alan ‘Nasty’ Nash’.

Both heavyweights enter the arena like gladiators. Challengers have been dispensed with like cannon fodder, and for these two, this is where the competition really begins and they’re both up against the only opponent that really matters. The podium is set and both players take their positions. The one everyone has been waiting for…

Seventeen-time World Champion, Alan ‘Nasty’ Nash vs. the Champion for the past two years Ben ‘toe-tal destruction’ Woodroffe.

The men lock toes for the first time and it’s a tough affair with neither of them giving anything away. It’s not before long though before Toe-tal Destruction goes into a 1-0 lead and one toe closer to his third title in as many years.

Nasty Nash has been here before though and knows not to panic, but no sooner have they locked toes again than Toe-tal thinks he clinched it with his second point. But wait, Nasty is challenging the decision. The referee is consulted and believes the decision is good and is all for awarding Ben the title, but Ben, being the gentleman he is, says no. He’ll win it fair and square or not at all. The referee concedes and we go again.

This has rather thrown everyone as we then get three toe breaks (not literal ones, see above) in quick succession and so the decision is taken to ‘Strap the Toes’ and this time there’s no messing about, the referee goes straight for the gaffer tape.

With the tape duly administered, the battle commences once again and after a couple of close affairs Toe-tal Destruction finally gets the break he wanted (again not literally) and scores the second point he needs to take the title.

Ben ‘toe-tal destruction’ Woodroffe is the Men’s Champion for the third year running !

Now, rumour has it that the Governing Body have even put the ‘sport’ forward as an Olympic event, however their application was declined on the basis that the Olympic Committee couldn’t decide if it is a summer or winter sport. How true this is, I know not, but if they’ve allowed break dancing and skateboarding, neither of which scream sun or snow in my opinion, who knows when it could be included and where the next World Champion will come from.

So, if you fancy your chances at knocking Toe-tal Destruction or Twinkletoes off their perches, here’s the application form for 2025. The date is yet to be set but expect it to be at the end of August - or May - and in Ashbourne, although it’s also moved around a bit in its time, oh and make sure your bunions and callouses have cleared up and who knows, next year it could be you taking home the title, the trophy and £500.

See you there !

You can download the Application Form for 2025, by clicking here...

More images coming soon !